


Nicotine

by midnight_dove



Category: Panic! at the Disco
Genre: Brendon Urie is amazing, Depression, Don't Judge Me, First Fan Fiction, Sad, Self Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, if this is deleted too I apologize, sorry about deleting the last one, this is bound to be super sad later, this is the redone version of the one I deleted, this might suck
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-03-11
Updated: 2018-01-01
Packaged: 2018-05-26 03:04:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 4,363
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6221014
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/midnight_dove/pseuds/midnight_dove
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A depressed and self harming reader (you) start to feel suicidal when you meet Brendon Urie, the lead singer and last remaining original member of Panic! At the Disco, your favorite band. You start to get to know each other, and things finally start looking up.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. A Time to Think

**Author's Note:**

> Brendon won't show up until about 4-5 chapters in to make building the storyline a little bit easier for myself. Hope you guys don't mind!
> 
> DISCLAIMER:  
> Not fantasizing self harm. If this is going to trigger a relapse, DO NOT READ. Keep yourself safe. This work is also not promoting self harm in any way. Do not under any circumstances hurt yourself on purpose it's not good or "cool" in any way. If you feel like hurting yourself, I'm always open to help.

You look at the brilliant crimson droplets hitting the white tile of the bathroom. It becomes a beautiful pattern of spatters as more and more blood hits the floor.

_Why do I do this to myself?_

You wonder for what must be the millionth time. You know you're right though, this will cause some trouble tomorrow. You have PE and even though you do have a long sleeved shirt for PE, it'll be hard not reopening the new ones. Plus changing from shirt to shirt will be problematic as well.......... Not to mention the fact that eventually you're going to run out of clean long sleeved shirts, what'll you do then? Blame it on your nonexistent pet? What little friends you do have will probably know you're doing it again, considering they think you've stopped.

_What if they catch you again?_

Highly unlikely. You're actually smarter than your depression will let you give yourself credit for and you know that. I guess I'll have to play the only somewhat believable card left, a bike crash.

_When there are perfectly parallel cuts on your arm?_

Ok you'll admit it's not that believable. I guess you'll just have to ride out tomorrow as it happens, even though this is the one thing you'll plan ahead for. You hate not being able to plan almost as much as those idiots at school.

_Ugh. Don't remind me._

You think as you audibly groan. You look down at your dominate arm and think of the few friends you do have. It's free of scars because you've found its too much work to worry about cutting too deep with your non dominate hand, but it does have a single, lonely butterfly that had just started to fade. Ever since you found that stupid page on Pinterest and your friends saw it over your shoulder they continuously drew them on your arm ever since. Why do they care anyway? They're just gonna leave you in the end, like everyone else you've ever made the mistake to let in. You sigh again audibly. You have at least an hour before your mom gets back, you'd better clean up the mess before the blood dries. You find the alcohol you keep in a drawer in your bathroom and put some on a paper towel and get to scrubbing.


	2. Welcome to the Black Parade

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So, if you were reading the one I deleted, I put the 2nd and 3rd chapters from the last one into this chapter in the new one, and I came up with less generic and common names. Also there's a few more differences, but you'll have to read to find them!

You walk in to school and who awaits you? No one as usual. You get here way too early to ever have your friends there too. People always give you weird looks but you've learned to ignore them. You're friends will come eventually. You were pulling up Soundcloud on your phone and listen to your playlist of Panic! At The Disco, Fall Out Boy, and My Chemical Romance, when someone approaches you.

"Hey, punk!" You look up. There's only one person who would call you that. Parker.

"What could you POSSIBLY want, Parker?" You check the time. 7:14. Your friends bus should be here any minute now. You'd better get this over with quickly. "Look, I'm not in the mood. Just go away already."

"Oh no, (y/n). You aren't getting off that easy."

"Oh yeah?" You look at the front doors. Kayla is on her way in right now. He never does anything to you in front of your friends, mostly cause he likes Kris and won't admit it. "Try me." He seems to notice Kayla coming.

"You're worthless, you know that?" He says. You could've gotten a lot worse from him.

"Yes you've made that quite clear. Also, you'd best be off." As if you don't know that! It doesn't seem like Kayla's noticed yet, but she will soon.

He practically runs to his group of friends, who are currently laughing at him. Just in time.

"Hey (y/n)" Kayla walks up.

"Hi"

"What's up?"

This is where you should put on your mask. You should, but will you? She deserves to know. Right? No. Yes? You don't know anymore. It's better she doesn't worry about you. It's just easier.

"Nothing much" you say as cheerfully as you could possibly say a sentence in your current state, which isn't very but it's just enough.

"Guess what?"

She doesn't seem enthusiastic. Did her favorite character die? Was it her favorite fan fiction? You'd better put as much confusion into your next sentence as possible.

"What?" You say, hopefully making her believe you're okay.

"We have PE today."

"Ugh we do?" You already knew that but you're too nice (can that word describe you?) to point that out.

"Yeah I checked this morning. Turns out that it's also a testing day, so we have an hour and a half of PE too." Kayla said. You can't believe it.

"AN HOUR AND A FREAKING HALF???????" You half scream. It wasn't on purpose, it just kinda happened. You collapse into a tiny ball of no color, what with your black blouse and dark blue jeans and high top converse. Crap, you just realized she might suspect something now. Normally you would've just groaned. CRAP.

"Are you ok?"

"Yeah. Fine why?" Yes Kayla I'm fine, definitely not trying to hide very visible scars and trying not to fall apart at the seams or anything like that why'd you ask? Definitely not! In addition to what I'm NOT doing, I'm for sure not trying to make you worry about me cutting myself again or anything! DEFINITELY NOT!

"You just seem more...... Down than usual."

"Huh really? Must be a lack of sleep." I'll make a mental note about that later, get more sleep. SURE

"Yeah that makes sense"

We go silent for a little while, just listening to our own music. Then I hear

HI! HI NAOMI HI!" Yeah this means company.

"Hey Kayla, hello (y/n)." She says in that one voice she does that's a little bit bouncier and more English than American.

"Hello" you say, doing your best to mimic the voice. It's a secret game you've been playing for a while, Mimic The Voice.

"Hey" Kayla replies.

They start talking about something, possibly Merlin or Sherlock or the latest album from some band. You don't really tune in to these conversations very often, although you always want to but you're lost in your music. You always are.

"Hey guys!" Kris has arrived. Yay. Wonder how long she'll stay to talk this time, 2 minutes? 3? You can't blame her, Avery's not here yet, and Naomi and Kayla are having a conversation that you assume isn't easy to barge into, and you don't talk much at the beginning of the day. Or ever.

She stands up after we all reply with a hello and goes to talk to people that you don't like very much. Or at all. You know though, as you put on Teenagers by My Chemical Romance, that she'll attempt conversation again once Avery gets here. What time is it now? 7:34. Holy cow, 20 minutes gone already? Yeah Avery's not coming. She rarely does. You look around for the first time in a while. When did Jadyn get here? Who knows. You give a small wave.

* * *

**BING BING BING**

You and your friends start to walk towards the locker area, and as usual, you stand behind them, half-heartedly trying to enter a conversation. What's the use? You'll just end up ranting again and then your friends will yell at you about how their lives and other people's lives are worse than yours and you have no right to complain blah blah blah you've heard the speech 20,000,000 times. You make it to your (thankfully) somewhat isolated locker in comparison to your friends. You love 'em obviously, but sometimes you prefer to be alone.

You get your stuff and head across the hall to Kayla's locker, where your friends gather to walk across the school to your first hours together. Kris shows up next, then Jadyn. Naomi takes longer than the rest of you usually, but you guys wait anyway, unless she waves at you to go on ahead, like today. You start to walk down the hallway past Avery's locker. You continue walking to the elective side of the school when you see Avery sprint down the hallway.

"Am I gonna be late? Am I gonna be late? I'm not gonna be late right?"

At this point you were so sick of fighting to stand by your friends and not get pushed to the back and actually be included in the conversation you just answered her instead of paying attention to the actual conversation, as a gentle reminder that YOU! STILL! EXIST!

"No Avery you should be fine you have 5 minutes."

"Thanks (y/n)!"

She runs off and they seem to have acknowledged you a little more now. You don't usually try this hard, but for some reason you KNOW something will happen today. Whether it be good or bad, it'll happen.

You enter art class (your homeroom) with Kayla, Naomi, and Kris just in time. The final bell had just rung when you sat down in your seat next to Kayla.

"Good morning class! I hope we all had good weekends, yes?" Mrs. Aimes half-asked the class. She didn't really want a verbal answer, but she paused anyway awhile the whole class nods.

"Good good. Our reflection paintings are duets the end of the hour tomorrow, so get as much as done today as you can. You can also come in during free period, lunch, or take it home and bring it back tomorrow. Get to work." And she dismisses us to work on our paintings with that thought.

 

 


	3. Bulletproof Heart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Another class, more Parker. Basically sums up this chapter. Not a whole ton of plot development, unless you count spending a class period without friends and just Parker. Not gonna give away too much of this chapter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys sorry I didn't update! I was gonna after I got back from Omaha, but then my phone broke and the new one (the one I'm using) didn't get here until Wednesday, and I haven't had much time to write another chapter in a day and a half. Sorry for the wait and sorry for the extremely long note that most of you will just scroll through anyway! I know cause I've done it.

You're walking to your next class, when all of the sudden.....

"Hey, punk!"

Oh crap.

"I know you heard me"

Shit. This is the one class period you don't have with your friends, and he told you he had transferred in on Friday....... 

"Hi." You say with so much venom in your voice you hope it literally poisoned him.

"No need to get so vicious, (y/n)! What have I ever done to you?" Such sarcasm. Classic Parker.

"Hmmmm.... Let's see.... Where do I start!"

"Fine. You got me. Hey, guess where the only open spot in the classroom is?"

You just now realize you were both in the classroom, and you had already sat down at the back away from everyone else. You look at the desk sitting to the right of you. Crap.

"I'm assuming you're about to point out that this is the only open seat left, and that you're going to sit in it to make my life hell."

"You know me so well." How did you EVER date a prick like him? The world may never know.

"Yeah, not like you've been tormenting me since we broke up or anything." You can see the anger boiling right under the skin, ready to blow like a volcano when given the chance. This is why you broke up, he's never been very stable, to put it nicely.

He stays silent for a while, and that's how you know you've won. But he's gonna get back at you later, you just know it.

Mr. Austin starts talking about computer programs and whatnot, something about JavaScript...... You really don't know. He's starting to end his lecture when you start to get out of la la land and into the real world, when you panic cause you realize you don't know what to do.

"Not paying attention, (y/n)? That's a shame. You're not smart enough to do the project anyway."

"Yeah yeah, can it Parker." You whisper back. You gotta find a way to get him to repeat the lesson plan. "Excuse me, Mr. Austin? I was wondering if you could verify the lesson plan for me? I just want to make sure I have everything correct."

"Of course, (y/n). A thorough student is a successful student!"

Thank goodness that he just sums everything up quickly and doesn't repeat the entire lecture.

"Thank you!" You say, knowing you'll get more crap from Parker about this in a minute.

"Anytime. Now get to work, class!"

You and Parker turn on your computers. While they're booting up, he turns towards you, an you know exactly what's coming.

"Haha, teacher's pet, are we (y/n)? How lovely. Not smart enough to listen, and then stupid enough to openly ask a teacher to repeat stuff. What a great combination of stupidity." Parker whispers to you.

You don't let it show on the surface, but this hurts. A lot. You'll remember this for after school, you always do. And always will, probably. He's right, you know he's right. But you're not gonna let it show.

"That's brilliant Parker. Wonderful. Cause I totally care." And you do care. Way more than you should, and you know that.

"Oh shut up, (y/n). I know how you work. And I know that you listen to what I'm saying, and it's probably destroying you. I think you're forgetting that you used to confide in me. Hahaha. That was hilarious." 

Oh yeah, you're aware that you used to tell him stuff. Not the important stuff, cough cough long sleeves cough cough, but enough. That's why he's doing this, is to tear you down and make you feel sorry you left him. Even though that's probably the best decision you've ever made.

He keeps talking, mostly insulting you, and you keep trying not to listen, but it's no use. You're going to listen, and you're going to pretend that you're too absorbed in your project to care. This goes on for the entire class period.

"Don't think I know you havent been listening. Just because the bell's about to ring doesn't mean you're not a-"

**BING BING BING**

Saved by the bell. You quickly log off your computer and run back down the hallway to your friends classroom to wait for them. They all have choir, but you don't sing. At all. Ever. Here they come now, just as Parker catches up to you. He sees your friends, (basically just Kris) and runs off, so as not to make himself seem like a bad person for bullying you in front of your friends (Kris). You start walking to 3rd period, knowing that he won't be able to bother you again until 5th hour.


	4. Author's Note

Hey guys, so I also put this as a comment on my last chapter (instead of editing it cause I'm an idiot), but I wanted to say that I might not finish this fan fiction. I'm thinking about deleting it because I'm not having as much fun writing this fan fiction that I usually do writing stories and things. That said, I also don't think that you guys are really enjoying this all that much because I haven't exactly mentioned any Brendon yet and that's probably what you guys are really reading for, and I'm trying to establish a baseline in your minds for how school normally goes for the reader in this fic, but maybe that's not a good idea? I mean, writing fan fiction is mainly about the readers and what they want, so I shouldn't keep boring you guys with the school day and stuff if you don't want to read about it, right? I'm thinking about maybe skipping around a bit more in the day than I have been, like skipping some hours to go straight to gym? Idk, but if you've actually taken the time to read this long comment, thank you and tell me what you guys think I should do to make this fan fiction more interesting for you guys, and I'm going to try my best to make it interesting and incorporate your guys' ideas as well, so if you'd like a say in the future of this fic, please give me ideas. They're much appreciated!


	5. The Beginning of The End

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You run home from school and think of everything that happened. Things go downhill. I don't do summaries.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok hello again! Sorry I haven't updated in quite awhile, I've had some personal biz I had to take care of and I forgot about this for a little bit, but I'm back now! Thanks to Cassandrafangirl14 and Itzumi for leaving comments and helping me out in deciding what to do with this fic. (Finish it, of course!) hope you enjoy!

You slam the door to your room shut. You're parents aren't home yet, and they should be gone for the next 2 hours. You sit on your bed and just reflect, on everything that happened today. More specifically, all the things Parker and his friends said to you, and anything else that went wrong today. That's when it happened.

_You're just a faker._

_Nothing but an attention hog._

_No one cares about you!_

_You don't deserve love._

Your mind went from everything said today to everything that had been said in the past, and everything you secretly thought about yourself.

_Why do you exist, (y/n)?_

_You don't even matter._

_If you died, no one would miss you and you know it too._

_Who would care about you?_

_Don't cut, there's no real point, no permanent pain. If you REALLY want to suffer, just end it already._

_No one cares_

_You don't even care! And these are your thoughts, (y/n)!_

That was the last straw. You've had it with yourself. You dug through the bottom drawer of your dresser, and found the shoebox where you've always kept your collection of razors. You pull out your very favorite blade, a pad of paper, and a pen and head out. If you were going to do this, you're going to do this right. Your parents might come home early, so you're going to head to your favorite spot other than your room, the abandoned strip mall out in the middle of nowhere. There used to be a (your favorite store) there before the building beside it burned down and the entire place was abandoned because of smoke damage.

 

 

* * *

You arrive in the mildly burned but still stable and standing store. You throw your bike somewhere in a corner, knowing you won't be needing it after this. You climb over the once-was counter, and just sit for a few minutes.

_Do I really want to do this? This is a permanent solution to a temporary problem, right? That's what everyone says!_

_No, don't turn back. You got so far, besides, what does this world really have to offer? A whole bunch of disappointment, that's what. You don't belong here._

__You know you're right. There's no point in continuing. You pull out the paper and pen you brought, and begin to write.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok so I'm sorry this chapter is so short, and I really wanted to include Brendon in this chapter, but I also really wanted to end on a cliffhanger....... So cliffhanger it is! I promise to update soon, no more super long breaks! (For a while anyway). I've also been thinking about maybe writing some one-shots in between chapters, so look out for some of those in the future! (Maybe. Don't hold your breath.) Also, thank you and I hope you enjoyed!


	6. Suicide Notes are a Final Goodbye

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is literally just the suicide note. You could skip this, but it will be mentioned in the next chapter, so I don't advise it

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok SERIOUS TRIGGER WARNING!!!!!!! This entire chapter is a suicide note, and if this triggers you in any way, please DO NOT READ!!!!!! You need to be safe and I cannot stress that enough. I am always open to talk through it if you need to, since I go through some of this myself.

Dear Whoever Finds Me First,

I'm sorry that your day had to be screwed up like this, you know, finding a dead body and all. But then again, what are you even doing in a partially burned down building in a somewhat abandoned part of town anyway? Not the point, getting sidetracked.

So I apologize for screwing up your day, and I'd like to apologize to my family members. I can't believe I managed to cause you guys so much trouble in life, but now you won't have to put up with me anymore, so that's good. I'm doing the entire world a favor by ending this myself. I never told you what's going on because I didn't want more people to worry than necessary, and no ones worries WERE necessary and now they never will be. I'm also going to apologize to my friends, I'm so sorry I've caused you guys so much trouble, and if your going to be idiots and mourn my death, be my guest. There was never any point in my existence anyway, I was another waste of time. Well now you can use that time on other, more important things than me. Parker, I'm sorry you had to waste almost a year dating me, and I'm sorry that you felt like you had to waste brain power insulting me daily. I was never worth your time, and you shouldn't have bothered with trying to make me hate myself, because I already did.

I would just like to say, before I run out of space to write, that I apologize for the bloody mess that someone now has to clean up, and that I hope your happy world. You wanted me gone, you wanted me to feel like nothing. You wanted me dead. And as the last thing I do, I'd like to make it all up to you by giving you what you want, what you've always wanted. Goodbye.

-(y/n)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay guys sorry I haven't been updating, I've been pretty busy. I promise, Brendon WILL BE in the next chapter. Just wait. Also I'm sorry if I messed up how long Parker and the main character had been dating, but I'm running out of time and can't go back and look. If you noticed a difference, please comment how long it actually was, and I will fix it. Thanks!


	7. In which you meet Brendon

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The title says it all. You finally meet Brendon

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so unbelievably sorry this took sooooooo long. I kept meaning to update, I just didn't know where to start in this chapter, or really how it would work out at all. Again, really sorry. I hope you enjoy! WARNINGS: SUCIDE ATTEMPT (sorta) IF THIS WILL TRIGGER YOU, DO NOT READ

There. You had finally finished writing you're last words on a single sheet of paper, and were ready to end it. You took out your razor, and poised it over your skin, trying to find the blood vessels that contain the most blood. Maybe even hit a nerve so you don't endure so much pain. 

_Who are you kidding, (y/n)? You deserve the pain and everyone knows it._

You think to yourself. Well, you could at least do yourself one last favor. You start pushing the blade into your skin when.......

"He- OH MY GOD WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!!!!" 

You look up. It couldn't be....

"Uhh... I uh...."

Brendon Urie?

"What... Why?" He said. You had no idea how to react to this. What should you do?

"Uhhh...... Uhhhhh....." You can't even articulate what's happening. Why is Brendon here?

"You should probably defend yourself, cause this doesn't look too good." Brendon says. You know you look (and sound) like an idiot right now, but you can't help but wonder.......

"Brendon? Brendon Urie?" You get up and start walking over to where he's standing at the doorway to what used to be the back room.

"That's my name. Now that I know you're a fan, I'm especially concerned. What WAS that?" Brendon asks. It's a fair question, you suppose.

"Me giving the world what it wants." You answer.

"That's not what it wants. That's what you THINK it wants. Plenty of people out there care about you, me included."

"How do you care about me? You don't even know my name."

"No, I don't. But I do know that everyone deserves a chance at happiness and you almost wasted it. Why don't you tell me why you almost did... that?"

So you, convinced you'll never see him again, so why does it matter, told him everything that's been happening. He looked personally offended that had happened to you.

"That's horrible. No one should go through all of that. Since you've answered questions for me, now it's your turn. Ask me anything."

"What are you doing in this almost completely decimated building?" You ask him

 

"Looking for a place to shoot my new music video, thought this was a good one since its so dilapidated. My turn. What's your name?"

"(y/n). What's your favorite band?"

It goes on like that for a while, just casual conversation. By the end, you know his favorite color, favorite band, favorite Panic! album, favorite song, favorite candy and favorite soda. This is by far the coolest thing ever to happen to you.

"Well, it's getting late. I'd better take you home."

"You don't have to do that. I took my bike. I can ride that back home."

"If you insist. I'll see you around, (y/n)."

"Bye".

Knowing you'll never see him again-except maybe in concert-you hope on your bike and ride back to your house.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry this chapter was short, I don't have a lot of time to write it, and I ran out of ideas. Hope you like it anyway! I've been thinking about doing some Avenger one-shots. If you have any ideas, I take requests so comment any you have!


	8. Author Note

Guys, I am so sorry.

 

I have literally just discovered this fic again after so long. I can’t even imagine how long it’s been since an update, I’m sure many of you are angry, concerned, or just confused about why I never finished this fic.

Well let me start out with: I’m incredibly sorry. I’m so so sorry it took me this long to find it again. I owed you all an explanation long ago.

This fic was based off of my actual life. Parker is a real person, so are Kayla and Avery and Jadyn and Naomi and Kris. (Kayla and Kris are fake names, but the rest are their actual names.) The teachers names were changed and that’s it. 

I had abandoned this fic because Avery found out I had started writing fanfics and made such a big deal out of trying to find my username on this site that I felt like I had to stop updating, and since then I forgot completely about it.

 

Im ready to start writing again!

 

if you guys want me to update this fic, or have suggestions for new ones PLEASE let me know. My writing style has evolved, and I’d be more than happy to take suggestions, or continue this fic!


	9. The Long-Awaited Return

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The return of this fic....... FINALLY!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HAPPY NEW YEAR YOU GUYS!!!! I promise this time, there should be regular updates and I’ve changed my writing style to include more descriptions, if that’s ok with everyone. PLEASE LEAVE FEEDBACK, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE WITH A CHERRY ON TOP

**AUTHOR NOTE..... AGAIN**

Happy new year y’all. I’m so excited to be writing this again, it is just so much fun for me and hopefully for you too.

I was re reading this fic for editorial purposes, and I noticed that I really didn’t describe anything throughout the settings. I know what I thought they were but it was hard to pick up on that. I WILL DO BETTER I PROMISE.

last thing: PLEASE LEAVE COMMENTS AND FEEDBACK I LOVE SEEING THEM AND I WILL TRY TO RESPOND TO THEM ALL

* * *

You come home from school the next day, and head straight to the place where Brendon found you the night before. The abandoned store looked a little less gloomy now, the scorched walls and ex dance floor seemed to have regained the old wonder and excitement that they had before the fire. The little nook above the old entrance Brendon found you in seemed cleaner and happier, and upon closer inspection had a note sitting on a......... pillow?

 

”Dear (y/n),

I hope you like the pillow. It’s supposed to be very comfortable, according to Target reviews. Beats the floorboards anyway, right?

-Brendon”

 

You set the note back on the new pillow. It fit perfectly in the little nook, with its black and white marble design complimenting the ashes and charred wood of the old building. 

_Did he really buy this for me on the off chance I would be more comfortable???? I just can’t believe it._

____You pick up the note and sit down on the cushion he bought, wondering WHY he would buy something for you. And something so frivolous, like a freaking PILLOW TO SIT ON. It just made no sense to you.

”Well, I see that you like it at least. I thought it might brighten up the place a little, you know?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really hope you guys enjoyed this. Even the sort-of cliff hanger. It might have been a little short but I was really just trying to upload what I had. I’m shooting for weekly or maybe every-other-week on updates. PLEASE LEAVE COMMENTS AND FEEDBACK I ABSOLUTELY LOVE THEM OK BAIIIII


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